I'm loud. obnoxious. funny. and a lot more intelligent than you probably realize. I have some of the best friends and family this side of the moon.
Not here for a booty call. Not down for the whole "Netflix and chill" unless there's something legit there. I am a mom first and foremost, so if kids are a deal-breaker, swipe left.
Oh. And if you can't duet Johnny and June's "Jackson" with me, you probably aren't gonna want to swipe right.
THAT, ladies and gents (mostly ladies, I'm sure), is my Tinder bio.
Yes. I'm on Tinder.
I'm 32. A single mother. Actually hoping for something real. And I'm on Tinder.
I've learned a lot on this app, though. First of all, if you're unfamiliar with how this works- let me give you a little Tindercation (get it? It's like a Tinder-education...).
Tinder is a "dating app". At least, that's what I think it is. Some look at it as a "hook up" app. However, I've gone on several Tinder dates and never have I "hooked up" with a guy I met on Tinder. Regardless, you connect to Tinder via Facebook (meaning it gathers info from your profile to use for your Tinder profile, but never posts to your facebook) and connects you to other Tinder users based on the age and mileage parameters you set. A picture pops up with basic info (first name and age) and if you like what you see- you swipe right. If you don't, you can swipe left. Now, what I, personally, do is this- if I'm instantly not attracted to a person (ex: if he has gel in his hair), I swipe left immediately. If the guy does seem to be my type, I'll tap on his picture which will take me to his profile. From there I can read his bio section (if he's chosen to write anything) and flip through any more pictures he may have. This area will also tell me how many miles away from me he is currently. (I suppose that feature is most helpful for those in the "hook up" category). From there I'll decide which way to swipe. Some of these guys are really attractive. Like- insanely so. To the point where you wonder how in the hell they're single. (I'll tell you a story about one of those in a minute). So, if you swipe right on a person and they've already swiped right on you (meaning they like you, as well) you will get an instant "It's a Match!!" message thingy. From there you have the option to message one another. I love that a random guy can't message you unless you "liked" him first. (Unlike the Facebook where creepers can- and do- message you all the dang time) So, anyway. That's Tinder in a nutshell.
I've met some super nice guys on Tinder. One I actually went on a date with almost two years ago. It was actually two days before I went on my first date with the ex. I had a date with the "Math Nerd" on Monday, and a date with The Ex on Wednesday. Monday's date went so well that we immediately made plans for the following weekend..... but Wednesday's date was phenomenal. I don't know what it was, but from the moment I slid into his truck I knew that I that I never wanted to go on another first date again (which is funny because just 5 minutes before I had told my best friend and babysitter for the night that he just wasn't my type and it would certainly be an early night). So on Thursday I cancelled my weekend plans with the "Math Nerd" and proceeded to date the Ex for .... well, for a while.
So, I tell you all of that to talk about this.
Dating.
Dating in your 30s SUCKS. I mean, I got married when I was 18. (I know, that's young, but truthfully- I wouldn't change the marriage- only the divorce.) We had been friends since we were FOURTEEN years old. He was my buddy. But, gah, we were so young. We were so anxious to start our lives together and when we found out we were going to have our first child, we were terrified but eventually excited. I mean, we knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We hadn't expected to start that part of our lives so soon, but there we were. Nineteen years old with a newborn. And we rocked it. We were such good parents. We really were. We were that couple that people wanted to be. We loved one another like family. Like we had been together forever. And, like I've said since we split, things were perfect until they weren't anymore.
I won't get into the why's and how's of why my marriage ended. But I was 22. I felt old. Gah, that thought seems so funny to me now. But I went back to my old job as a Hooter's girl and took a second part-time job as a personal trainer at a local gym. BOTH of those are laughable to me now, as well. I can't imagine trying to squeeze into those orange shorts again and I can't tell you the last time I was in a gym. I know a guy named Jim. We've been friends for several years. He has a lovely wife now. But as for an actual gym? No. Not this girl. But dating at that point was different. I met my next boyfriend at the gym that I worked at and he asked me to dinner one night after I got off of my third job working at a makeup counter (I swear those jobs make me sound so much more high-maintenance than I am). We were together for eight years.
I've always been somewhat of a serial monogamist. I want a relationship. I want to be loved and I want to be in love. I want something real. I would much rather date one guy and just commit to that than to have five guys at my disposal. But, here I am--- ten years after my divorce. Single. And on Tinder. With a bunch of 20-somethings.
Can I just go ahead and tell you that I'm not a pretty girl? I'm not. No---- this is not a ploy to get you to tell me how pretty I am. I clean up right nice. But I've never been the pretty one. Pick any of my closest friends- Keileigh, Callie, Krista, Brandy---- I'm not the pretty one. And I know that. Trust me.
And that's okay. So I try to make up for it with personality which usually amounts to me being "too much". So my first date go-to?? Get super drunk. If I drink so much and make an ass of myself, I can always blame it on the alcohol, right?? Yeah, probably not the right mindset. So, I typically go on a first date to see if I even like the poor fella then immediately start making comparisons and decide that I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with this guy and I decide right then and there that the first date will be the last.
Okay. You've seen Look Who's Talking, right? With Kirstie Alley and John Travolta before they both lost their minds and got fat? So, you know that scene where she thinks she likes him so she starts having all of these visions of their life together and she doesn't like what she sees? Like she thinks about how he will be with Mikey and future children as they get older? Well that's what I do. I'm a pre-fat Kirstie Alley (and if you're gonna be Kirstie Alley, let's face it- that's the one to be) and I immediately think about how this guy will interact with my kids- Braydon especially. My sweet Braydon. He still asks about the ex. He loves him. To him, their family was his family and he doesn't quite understand. I don't talk about it in hopes that someday he'll just forget. But, see- I don't want to do that to him again. I don't want HIM to fall in love with the idea of a family then I do something stupid and it's all stripped from him. So, see- I have a lot to think about. It sounds crazy that I think long-term on a first date, but I don't have time to waste by not thinking long-term.
So I throw the kid thing out there right off the bat. I mean, that part of my life isn't gonna change, so may as well just be up front with it. But despite me doing that... and despite me saying up front that I'm not looking to "hook up" in this "Netflix and chill" society that we currently live in, I still get the douche nozzles (thank you, Jimmy, for that term) that attempt going about this in whatever manner they seem fit.
Let's start with this one little cutie pie... single father... very handsome... messaged me on facebook (I didn't even find this one on Tinder, y'all) just asking questions about me. I answered. A mutual friend vouched for him that he was a "good guy", so I gave him a shot. Not 15 minutes into talking, this guy tells me that I'm "hot". Okay. I guess to you guys that's not a big deal. And maybe to some of you girls it isn't. But I'm a grown ass woman. I'm not "hot". I'm not even "beautiful", but I'll give ya that one simply because I like to hear it anyway. I'm quirky. Cute, at best. But "hot"? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Perhaps in great lighting, caked on makeup, and about 4 filters- maybe. But I can't imagine that anyone has ever seen me in person and thought "damn, she's hot". I digress. This fella keeps going and makes the comment that I "seem very blessed up top". Alright. If your kids are reading this, you might wanna shield their eyes. It took every bit of self control I had to not say right then and there "Look here, motherfucker, you don't know me well enough to talk to me like that and I can only think of one man on this earth who could even get away with it and it's not you".... but I didn't. I just ignored it. He asked if I liked to "hang out by a fire and drink a few". That's when I informed him that, again, I was a grown woman and if a man wanted to spend time with me, he would ask me on a proper date and not even attempt to get me to his house drinking around a fire until something genuine had been established.
See- I've made that mistake before. We don't want to seem high-maintenance and we genuinely like hanging out at the house by a fire, so we agree to that, but then want to bitch because we don't get taken out on actual dates like the "other girls". Well that's because we aren't honest about what we want. We don't go to a boy's house until something legitimate is established. Period. Otherwise, we only have ourselves to blame.
Of course, this kid back tracked and said that he only said that because so many girls in the past had said they preferred that to an actual date. To those girls, I say this--- LET IT BE KNOWN THAT YOU ARE A GIRL NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. And if you are---- let's all just agree to be honest about what we want. Look- I prefer to stay at home in my pajamas. But, if I want a man, I'll put some effort in and I expect the same in return. So if I'm gonna date him, he has to be prepared to put in the effort of taking me on a date. A legitimate date. Several legitimate dates until we establish a genuine connection worthy of me following him to his house.
So- I don't really know how to do this. I'm not good at it. I'm still trying to get over some stuff. But I'm trying. I guess I'll keep you guys posted on how it all goes...
Oh, and I did tell you that I would fill you in on one of the guys that really was too hot for his own good... his grammar was horrible. He was pretty.... so, so beautiful.... but the way he talked (or typed) was just too much for this self-proclaimed grammar-whore. It left me no choice but to un-match.
Later, gators.
