the not-quite Christian Grey...

Role playing. We've all done it. Haven't we? (if this is one of those situations where you can hear crickets chirping in the background because this is just a "me" thing and not a "we" thing, then lets just disregard this entire post... moving along)

I don't necessarily mean Naughty Nurse and patient or teacher and principal or even Princess Leia and whoever it was she was giving it to in that space man movie (wasn't that her brother? I could be totally wrong. I've obviously never seen it.). I'm talking about pretending to be something that you aren't for the sake of fun. Grown up fun. You know- just something to spice things up a little. For me, that means stepping out of my comfort zone. Doing or saying things that "relationship me" typically wouldn't.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm an open book. I'm loud. I'm obnoxious. I can be highly inappropriate at times, and I lack that filter that should tell my mouth to not say everything that enters my brain. I'm fun. I talk a lot. The same can not be said for my "behind closed doors" personality. I think that I'm perfectly boring. I'm self conscious. There's no "talk dirty to me". At all. (the Ex used to ask for it all the time. Once, after a couple of drinks, I finally gave in and tried. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I do remember him laughing and telling me to stop. I get an A for effort, though, right?) I don't go so far as to say that all the lights have to be on or insist on keeping my shirt on or anything like that, but I'm simple and boring. Quite the opposite of my every day persona. Definitely not what one would expect.

But when someone is texting me... that's a different ballgame altogether. My proverbial balls get as big as any you've ever seen. Here's the thing- with a man you foresee a future with, you don't want to do or say anything you can't keep up with long-term, right? If you start out swingin' from ceiling fans, how do you go up from there? What do you even do on special occasions? But with a "special grown up friend" that will not likely ever be more than that- anything goes. (Sorry, long-term guys. Maybe on your birthday...)

So I say allllllllll of that to say this: there's a guy. No, I'm not dating anyone. Didn't I tell you guys already that I wasn't interested in anything like that? (possibly ever again) But we all like our distractions (again- maybe that's just me... if so, just nod & smile...)

I digress. This guy. Attractive. Successful. Confident. All three things that I like. Has a great face. A nice smile. I'm thinking 'I can work with this'... We can't quite figure out how we know one another, yet he's quick to point out to me his favorite photo of me that he's found while perusing my facebook profile. (Because that's this life, ladies and gentlemen.) The particular photo is one of me biting my lip while anxiously awaiting the anesthesia for my wisdom tooth removal last week. Did I do it knowing it was sexy? Psh. Abso-friggin-lutely. Do I act as though I have no idea and that's my genuinely nervous face? You bet I do. "That drives me crazy", he tells me. So what do I do? Naturally, I go through my entire camera roll to find every photo I have of me biting my lip from the past couple of months. There are, surprisingly, more than I realized. Man, I do that a lot. Maybe that's my thing. Maybe I'm that girl that nervously bites her lip and everyone thinks it's so cute and "soooo her". Nah. I'm the one that snorts when I laugh. And I make a rat face. My nose gets all scrunchied up and I look like a rat. Regardless- me biting my lip drives him crazy, so I send him more of it.
In the most Christian Grey-esque way possible, this man (we will call him Mr. White) asks "Why are you doing this to me?" I innocently act as though I have no idea what he means (role play... I'm not stupid. Of course I know what he's getting at. Dude wants to bite that lip for me.) I told him that I'm a big girl and I do what I want. "You have a smart mouth, don't you?... Lip biting and a smart mouth. Dangerous. Don't bite your lip." Well, what do you think I'm gonna do at that point? Send a photo of me biting my lip. And this is where it gets good. The tone changes. "This really makes me want to turn your ass cheeks red", he tells me. He acts as though he's never heard of Mr. Grey. I'm not buying it. Of course, I act as though I believe every word he says. Look- there's no future with Mr. White. None whatsoever. But right now, it's fun. This is the first guy I've talked to since the Ex who was blatantly honest up front and told me that he didn't want anything out of this. Every other man wants to marry me. And I don't say that to sound like I'm something special. I'm not. (Okay, I am.) But this guy doesn't want that. He doesn't know me well enough to want that. (neither did the others...) But he's REAL. He doesn't want a relationship. He's been single the same amount of time that I have. He has the same number of children that I have (almost the same ages) and we pull for the same college football team. Now that would be enough to have "relationship me" thinking "oh this is just meant to be". But no. She's gone. Or at least in a coma. Possibly a permanent one. So Mr. White wants to turn my ass cheeks red for biting my lip, yet denies ever having read or watched 50 Shades of Grey. Okay. I'll play along. So I give him a little back story on Christian and Ana... "I've been referred to as this person before," he tells me. (Yeah, I'm sure. You probably know all about Charlie Tango and the red room, but that's okay... Again, I'll play along).

"You're quite the enigma, Mr. White," I tell him.
"Maybe we should do something about this"
I tell him this could be good for my blog.

"You blog?" he asks. He sounds afraid.
He should be.
Of course, he doesn't realize it yet; but he really should be

"I'll change your name," I assure him

He likes his privacy. He asks that I respect that. I've already told him about the blog. He's been warned. I offer no lies of respect.

He asks about hard limits. I give him mine. Seemingly, we agree on these things.

He's asked me to lunch tomorrow.


xx