You Lose

"Can I come over?" he asked me.

It was an early weekday morning. And while I am absolutely a morning person by definition, mornings are hectic for me. I have to get myself and the kid ready for work and school and get out the door at a decent time. Mornings just aren't a good time for company.

I told him No.

"Well will you come here? On your way to work?"

I told him I would if I had the time.... knowing good and well I would make the time.
I loved that man. {It doesn't matter who He is or when this was. It's the story that's important.}

I always made him a priority, no matter how illogical it was. But, again- I loved him. I rushed to get ready in enough time to be able to swing by to see him.

He loved me, too. I knew he did. He didn't show it in conventional ways, but I knew him in a different way than the others did. I knew his heart. He never actually wanted to hurt me. I just got too emotional and couldn't "hold it together"... (if I had a dollar for every time he told me that...) So, even though we weren't together, I knew that if I held out long enough he would see exactly what he had with me. He always came back. He loved me.

Right?

So I went. He was still in bed. I walked toward the bed. He pulled me toward him. Did I kiss him? I don't remember. We never really did kiss a whole lot. I guess that was probably pretty strange considering that I love kissing. But he was never much of a kisser, so we just didn't. So I don't remember if I kissed him or not. But I remember his hand on the back of my head as I slid under the covers... as I slowly and softly took him into my mouth... I could make love to him in my own way. And, I was good at it. It wasn't the act itself that I was good at. I knew that. It was that it was him. It was something about the way everything just seemed to fit. I had convinced myself that it was just another sign that we were meant to be together.

We had been "together" for long enough and enough times that I knew very well what to do to get him to "the point of no return" and could get him there very quickly. I considered it a gift. Once it was done, I stood up to tell him Goodbye and immediately felt awkward. I had to rush off to work so I wasn't too concerned with being sweet and emotional, but still needed something from him.

"Thanks," he said. I kind of let out a slight laugh.

"Later gator," I replied.

I climbed into my car and began to back out of the driveway. He had sent me a friend request on Facebook earlier that morning so I saw that as a huge step. Before I left his road, I clicked on his name on my phone. We had not been friends on Facebook in quite some time and I was interested to see what his life had looked like without me in it.

Nothing.

He had blocked me. Already. Just a couple of hours after adding me.

I closed out the app and went to my messages and before I had typed a thing, a message popped up under his name.

"You lose"

I lost. I gave in. Trusted that he was making some sort (no matter how small) of an effort.

But I lost.

Days went by and we didn't speak until he began drunkenly calling me that weekend.

I stupidly went back to see him. He loved me. He was only acting out of hurt before. He really did love me and I didn't expect anyone to understand.

So, again, I went back.

And, again, I can't remember if he kissed me.

And, again, I gave him what he wanted.

And, again... well. You get the picture by now. Only this time he didn't say "You Lose". This time he drunkenly told me that he wanted us. That he wanted it all. The next day I hardly heard from him at all.

I made efforts to text him... to have conversation... he was gone.

Again, I lost.

Now, I know that as you're reading this- most of you are thinking "What an idiot! What kind of low-self esteem person would continue to put herself through all of that? And in the name of what?? LOVE?? That's not LOVE. He doesn't LOVE her at all..."

And you're right. But, what's sad is--- there are a few girls reading this who know exactly where I was. And that's why I'm telling this story. Because I'm not the only person.

See- I'm not a weak girl. I have no problem walking away from a man when he's done me wrong. Most of the time. I'm not the girl to allow myself to be disrespected like that.

That's what I told myself. But when I started evaluating my relationships, I found that I don't let go when I should. But even still- I don't allow myself to be used. I can see it coming from a mile away. But I could never see it with him.

He loved me.

I heard the words. I heard my friends tell me that I could do better. I heard my best friend actually yell at me that I was an idiot for continuing to talk to him at all and at some point I was bringing it on myself. I heard all of it.

But he loved me.

And I lost.

But let me tell you something--- he didn't love me.
That's the most difficult reality I've ever had to face.
Whatever it was that he was doing or feeling- it wasn't love.

He was inflicting pain intentionally. He knew every time that he called or text or asked me over what he was about to do to me. And he didn't care. At least not enough to not do it. So I gave in every time.

And still- I lost.

I lost my best buddy.
I lost the man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
I lost my musical soul mate.
I lost my lover.
I lost the man who never really cared to listen to how my day was.
I lost someone who wouldn't bring me medicine when I was sick.
I lost a man who once actually said "I don't give a fuck about that" when I was telling him about something that was important to me.
I lost being cussed at and told what a whore I was when things didn't go his way.
I lost having to always be the one to give and seldom get anything in return.
I lost hearing that I'm incapable of "holding it together" when I get upset over something that I legitimately had a right to get upset over.
I lost sleepless nights wondering what I could possibly do to fix it all.

I may have lost our Sunday night sunsets, but I also lost a lifetime of empty promises.

He lost a girl who genuinely loved him with her entire heart. It takes so, so, so much for me to be done. But once I am- there's no going back. Once I finally made up my mind, it was actually kind of a relief to be able to say

No, Sir. You Lose.