to those who've loved me through it.

My name is Kayla and I am codependent.

**this is where everyone says "Hi, Kayla!!"**

In all seriousness, codependency is a very real issue and something that I struggle with daily. It is defined as "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner".

It's something that I've dealt with for most of my life. Definitely all of my adult life. I call it my addiction to people. I find a person ("my person") and I fall so deeply and madly in love and have to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. It doesn't matter what position it puts me in or how it could possibly negatively impact my life. Some may say "oh. well that's just called being a people pleaser", but it's a completely different thing. I'm not a people pleaser by any stretch of the imagination. I'm a person pleaser. One person.

People who are codependent tend to find themselves drawn to narcissists.

A narcissist is defined as "a person who is overly self-involved and often vain and selfish".

Narcissists love codependent people. In some ways it seems like it's the perfect relationship. I told someone once "You and I have the same addiction. You.". So you would think it would work perfectly, right? Two people working toward one common goal--- one person's happiness.

But, Kayla, don't both people in a relationship need to be happy??

Of course. But, see- to a person such as myself- the other person's happiness is your happiness. Their sadness is your sadness. Your every mood depends entirely on theirs. You can be having the best day ever, and one phone call from that person can turn it completely around. Likewise, if the one you love is having a great day, you consider it a success. Someone once pointed out to me that when she would ask how my day was, I would reply "Well, _________ is in a really good mood, so it's been great. We've had a great day." because it was all about that person and not myself. His happiness meant it was a good day. What made it a great day? The fact that he was happy. What more did I need?

I don't know where it stems from, my need for approval. I have some ideas and, as with most people, it starts with childhood. But I won't get into all of that. I'm giving you this little psychology lesson just as a preface for this:

You either get it or you don't.

You fall into one of those two categories. Every single person reading this does. Either you're codependent yourself. You're a narcissit. Or you probably have a friend or loved one who is one or the other and you just can't understand it.

I can understand your inability to understand. (confusing, huh?)

I can't understand how a person can tell you how much they love you in one breath, then in another do everything in their power to tear you down. I can't wrap my head around someone intentionally hurting someone just so that they can maintain some sort of control in a relationship. I don't see how you can be in a long-term relationship with a person and not make their happiness take priority over your own. I can't understand loving someone and not wanting to be with them. I can't understand any of that. But that's me.

If you're on the other side, you can't understand me. You can't understand how a person can base their entire worth on someone else's opinion of them. You don't get how someone so valuable on so many levels can let their self-worth drop to nothing because one person doesn't deem them worthy. You can't grasp how an intelligent person can think for a minute that putting someone else (someone who never puts anyone's feelings ahead of their own) above his or her self is okay. You don't see how this addiction (because that's truly what it is) can be confused with love.

But it is love. It's love in it's own way and the worst thing you can probably do with a person in this situation is act as though it isn't. It's a love that you can't understand. So this is for those of you out there who are "normal". Those of you who don't "get it". The ones that love us and want to strangle us at the same time.

I see you. I see your frustration with me. I feel how much you love me and how badly you wish you could just take the hurt away. I feel you wanting to "shake me to wake me" from all of this.... hoping that one day I'll wake up and just snap out of it... hoping that one day I will see how unhealthy it all is. I see it. I really do. I know it's unhealthy. I know that continuing to cry over something that is over is pointless. But I can't help what's in my heart. I wish that I could. As frustrating as it is for you on the outside, I'm almost certain it's more frustrating for me to feel it on the inside. To wake up and feel all of this... and to have it still there at night when I go to bed. To still have this hope where there really should be no hope left.

And I could see how relieved you were when I told you I was moving on. How I wasn't going to keep doing this to myself. That was the logical side of me talking. I know I'm a smart girl. I know this, in part, because you've told me probably ten thousand times when listing all of my wonderful attributes that mean I deserve better. I could also see the disappointment in your eyes when you saw me giving in again. I know that you want to take it all away. Sometimes I wish you could. More than anything, I usually end up wishing we could all just go back to the time when we were all happy. Even if that meant my happiness depending on his. Because regardless of what it was making me happy, I was happy. And I had him. It's twisted, isn't it? Don't worry. I see that, as well. I see how messed up it is that I have everything in life that a girl could possibly need, yet I still find myself wishing we could all just go back .

I'm sorry for the times that I ignored your problems or brushed them aside because of the pain I was feeling myself. That's what I didn't see- the way I was hurting our friendship by, as usual, putting the unhealthy relationship first. People like me need people like you. We need the strong ones. That's what attracted us to the ones we fell for in the first place. They were strong. They were confident. We're very attracted to that, much in the same way that they're attracted to those that seem to be weak. But I'm not weak. You tell me that all the time, as well. But however strong I may be, you have me beat by a mile. You are logic where I am heart. That's not to say you have no heart. Your heart is as beautiful as any I've ever seen. Hell, it would have to be to put up with everything you have out of me. But my heart overrules my brain every time. That's what you can't understand. How someone as intelligent as I am can be so dumb... putting her emotion ahead of her mind. Maybe because of the way that my feelings never seemed to matter in the other relationships, I had to make sure they took top priority in ours. That's wrong. It's not okay and I'm sorry.

The one thing I ask is that, although you can't understand (nor would I ever want you to) please just know that what I feel is real. At least it is to me. It's as real as any love or fear or loss or anything else I've ever felt in my life. It doesn't matter how long we were together or how long we've been apart. It still is, and likely always will be, a part of me. A part of this mess of a girl that you love so much. And I know that you love me because you're still here.

Because of your love (and the love of so many others... and, admittedly, a great therapist) I'm able to be more rational. Make stronger, healthier decisions. But that doesn't mean that I'm "fixed". I never will be. I'm codependent. It's a part of me. I can, and will, work on my behaviors, but I can't change who I am. No more than the narcissist can change who they are.

If you love someone who is codependent or narcissistic or has any other mental or emotional struggle- know that we see you. We love you. And we truly appreciate you. We don't expect you to "get it". We just hope you stick around and love us through it.

Hell or High Water

"Hey, look! It's the girl from Valdosta with the Blow Job Blog!"... a friend was joking about how I will be known after that last post. Soooooo I feel like I need to clarify a couple of things. 1. I live in Lake Park. Not Valdosta. I'm not quite sure why that part is so important to me, but it is. Second, this isn't a "blow job blog". It isn't a "sex blog". It isn't even a blog centered around The Ex (although, at times that seems to be what it's been).

It's me. Just a blog about me and my life and my exploits or my lack thereof.

I told you from the start it wasn't glamorous. Hell, it's 4:30 on a Sunday afternoon and I'm in flannel pajama pants, wearing a mint julep mask, drinking a root beer flavored beer, listening to Randy Travis, and waiting for my ex husband to come over for dinner. Seriously. Does that SOUND glamorous?? Shouldn't I be drinking cosmos or something? Maybe at least wearing real clothes??

I also told you from the start that I wasn't over Him. Pretty sure I tell everyone that. In fact, I think my dental hygienist is even aware. So, I think it makes sense that behind every failed relationship (or attempt) is Him. Now this doesn't mean that he's come back into my life and prevented me from moving on. Not always, at least. He says that I only remember the bad. He says I'm incapable of focusing on any of the good. He's wrong. He's dead wrong. See- the good is what has stopped me from being able to do what I've known for so long that I should. I remember the good.

I remember the way he looked at me the moment that I realized that he was in love with me. Turns out, that's the moment that he realized it, as well. I remember the way he smiled with his eyes. I remember his laugh. Not his half-ass laugh, but the one where he truly thought something I said was funny. See- I remember all this. I remember how he loved my son. I remember how, when it came down to it, he did absolutely everything he could for both me and this little boy. So I definitely remember the good. It's what kept me holding on for as long as I did.

But I can't think about that. That stuff doesn't help me move on. It's better for me to think about the other. It makes more sense for me to remind myself of that "You lose" text or the weekend he hauled off to cheat on me all weekend or the many, many, many empty promises. I accepted the way he was. Because all I could think about was the good.

I won't act like I was perfect. I wasn't. Pretty much the only thing I did do right in that relationship was love him. I was faithful and I loved him. And that about sums it up. I wasn't some phenomenal girlfriend. I was a pain in the butt and obnoxious and asked for too much. I wanted things that I knew, going in, he just wouldn't give me. But I thought I could change that. Not change him per se, but change what he wanted. That was absurd. I really couldn't hold it together. I once flew completely off the handle when we had friends over. Dropping the f-bomb. I was pissed. I once broke his nose. (Granted, that was after his aforementioned weekend sexcapade debacle.) It wasn't healthy. I wasn't a good girlfriend. He wasn't a good boyfriend. So, I don't know why I thought we would be a good husband and wife for each other.

Actually. That's a lie. I know exactly why. It was us. Regardless of all the reasons we shouldn't have been together, when the lights went out and every one went home- it was just us. Just me and him and our music. Music was something that could bind us together like nothing else in this world. Even to this day, I consider music "our thing". Isn't that ridiculous? Everyone loves music. (and if you don't, you're wrong.) But we could use Jason Eady or Travis Tritt or Kris Kristofferson or Johnny Cash to speak for us when we couldn't find the words for ourselves. I could lay my head on his chest... on my spot... and fight over who got to play the next song... and laugh... and fall asleep in his arms. No matter what else had transpired that day or that weekend or even that month. Music was our thing.

But it wasn't enough. It was silly for me to ever think it could be. I know that. And I've moved on. I moved on months ago with a great man. Fell in love. Was happy. Was actually very happy. Then that ended. And I'm not yet ready to talk about the whys or hows because.... well. I don't really know exactly why. Maybe because I realized that I still needed to get this music out of my system before I tried to process how the next song ended. I don't know.

I do know this, though. It doesn't matter that I loved him. It doesn't matter that I believed he loved me. It doesn't matter that for all that time I thought he was "it" or what it was that made me realize that he couldn't be. All that matters is that he isn't. He isn't my person. He isn't "the one". And I don't really care if I've already met the man I'm "destined" (if I believed in such a thing) to spend the rest of my life with or if I won't meet him for 20 more years. That doesn't matter. What matters is that I know that he's not that man.

Love. I can't define it. But I know what you don't do when you love someone. And because of that, I can honestly say that he never loved me. I know that. I believe that he loved certain things about our relationship. And I believe that what I saw in his eyes that moment that he realized he was in love with me was real. He was in love with what he was looking at. And that girl was absolutely me. But it was just a part of me. He wasn't so in love with the rest. And I'm complex. I'm not easy to love. I know that. I'm easy for you to think you're falling in love with me. I have guys falling for me every day. And it's not because I'm the prettiest (I'm definitely not) or the smartest (although I am pretty intelligent) or anything else. It's because they like the realness of it all. They like that I tell 'em to fuck off when they get on my nerves, maybe. I don't know. Or maybe they all read the blog and think they're gonna get laid (if you're reading this and thinking that, I'm so sorry. Not hap'nin' cap'n). So it's easy for guys to think they're falling for me. It's a lot more difficult to find one that's really all in come hell or high water. I don't think anyone really knows what that means any more.

But I'm pretty sure that when I find that guy, he'll be THE guy.