just a normal single mom...

I don't mean to sound as though my life is this exciting adventure and men are knocking down my door to (as my Clooney so eloquently put it) "get in [my] blog"... That's not the case at all. Of course I have men. All single women do. Because that's what happens. They come out of the woodwork. It's strange. When I was dating the Ex, there was no way another man could catch my attention other than just appreciating certain qualities they may exhibit. I couldn't stomach the idea of ever being intimate with another man. I was in love. And love is a hell of a drug, isn't it? Yet, the idea of other men no longer nauseates me. It excites me. But the best part of it all is--- I can be picky. I love that. Am I a bombshell? Ha. Absofrigginlutely not. I'm a plain jane, average height, average build, brown haired, brown eyed, 32 year old single mom. I clean up well, but even at my best, I don't think I'm one that turns heads. (I've always said, in regards to how beautiful my friends all are, that I will not likely be the one whose looks will bring a guy to our table in a bar... however, my personality would keep him there.) But the thing is, I know what I want. Whether it's from a genuine relationship or something a little... ummmm... less conventional.

I don't sleep with random men. That's never been my style and I don't intend to start. I'm a huge flirt and I love attention from the opposite sex. I won't deny that. But I don't "give it up" so easily. I guess I'm somewhat of a tease... But I think that's okay. I don't really see much wrong with that. What'd Rizzo say? "...there are worse things I could do... than go with a  boy... or two..." ;) I like that Rizzo. Skank as she may be- I like her. She's real. I'm getting off track. What I want. I miss having a sexual relationship. Everything about it. But I really don't want to just sleep with the first guy who comes along and pushes me against his truck (although... damn.). I also don't want a  boyfriend. I don't need someone coming over to my house every day. Someone getting all butt hurt when I want to go hang out with my girl friends. Someone to insist on being a part of Taco Tuesday when that's clearly not *our thing* (boys are not allowed on Taco Tuesday. That's why it's called TACO Tuesday. TACOS ONLY... get it??? Okay. That's not at all what that means, but it made me laugh and sounded plausible enough for me). I don't want someone to come in and turn my world upside down. I want someone to enhance my life. Not flip it around and turn my life into his. I want someone with his own dreams and ambitions because I've got my own things I'm working on. I want someone who will go away for DAYS at a time. Long days that make me miss him like crazy. And while he's gone I want dirty pictures and videos and text messages telling me exactly what he wants when he comes home... Then I want him to make it all a reality when he finally is here... Then I want him to leave again so I can get back to my life. But then I want him to come back. And then leave. And then come back again. And then leave again. And it's okay if he loves me because if he can handle all of that, I might be all "right back atcha, kiddo" But I have these walls now, you see. And even if I think that I can trust someone and believe what they say- I never TRULY trust. It's kind of a sad situation if you take time to think about it. I would love to be able to trust people. Someone. But everything is temporary. It's kind of funny. I said that to my ex when we first started dating.

"Everything is temporary. Nothing really lasts forever."

He was drinking a few nights later and brought it up. Said that it bothered him because everything didn't have to be temporary; that we really could be forever. Hell or high water, we said. No matter what.

And I'm getting over that. I am. But I say that to say this- I believed in forever. I believed in permanence and it took my world, shook it up, and turned it upside down like a 10,000 piece puzzle. And I'm starting to get it put back together. I have the corners done... I'm connecting them... the frame is almost complete. But I think that there were a few pieces left in that box that I wont get back. I'm afraid that I won't believe in forever again. So I believe in now. I look for today. Tomorrow. As far as next week. But that's as far as I want to look. I don't want to put my faith in anyone... because there are Mr. Whites out there who will (literally) charm the pants off of you, then leave you high and dry.

That's not what he did, Mr. White. At least, I don't think he did. I told you he was going to Spain so I didn't really expect to hear too much out of him. I guess I also have a bit of a problem now with wanting to be chased. If you don't text me- I'm not going out of my way to text you. I have a feeling Mr. White is the same way. But he seemed so confident last week. Perhaps it's the distance and nothing more. I'm not sure. We really haven't spoken.

Honestly, I haven't had a lot of time to think about why Mr. White and I haven't spoken. I've spent more time than I care to admit sexting my Clooney. Wait. Did I type sexting?  I meant texting. HA! Nope. Definitely meant sexting. This man has the ability to completely overpower any amount of self control that I thought I had. I want him. This man. I want him in every way that a woman can want a man. Somehow there's undeniable chemistry, even through the phone. The way he speaks... just everything about him makes me want to experience everything else. He consumes my mind and with that, sets my body on fire. The things that man can do with just his words sends my mind in to overdrive thinking about what he will do when there isn't anything between us aside from two thin layers of clothing...

No. My life is very much like every other working single mom's life. Only when I come home at the end of my work day, I do all of the normal every day things, in my pajamas... while reading from Mr. Clooney precisely what he's going to do to me once he's home....