Dating the Damaged Woman

Dating is complicated. We all know that. I think that's one of the things I hear most from my married friends- "Dear God, I don't feel sorryfor you at all being out there in the dating world." or "You couldn't pay me enough to go through that again." And they're right. There's definitely something to be said for that comfort. Just having your person and knowing that, at the end of the day, he or she will still be there. Snoring. Talking in their sleep. Stealing the covers. Just doing whatever it is that they do. I miss that. I miss falling asleep with the man that I love with the knowledge and security that I would get to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. That's a great feeling. However, I don't just want someone to take up half of my bed. I need more than that... and sometimes I need less than that. 

See- here's the thing about dating women who have been previously broken ("damaged", if you will): we're easy to love but hard to keep. 

It's easy to look at this girl and think "I can help her to get over him. I can help her to move on and repair the hurt." And that's nice. It really is. And it's not that we don't appreciate the sentiment (we really do!), we just know that it isn't that easy. We start every new "flirtation" (for lack of a better word) thinking "maybe this could be something", knowing in our hearts that it likely can't be. You're not him. 

In a lot of ways it's a good thing that you're not him. He broke her. She gave him everything she had. Even when she should have walked away, time and time again she forgave him. Put her heart on the line. Tried to move forward. And each time she was shown that it didn't matter what she did- she wouldn't be good enough. WAS she good enough? Of course she was. And deep down she knew that. She still knows that. But she was told that she wasn't. She was made to feel over and over again like it was her fault. Whatever names he called her... All of the other women he slept with or talked to... Every time he put his hands on her... It was somehow her fault. Of course, the next morning it was always another story. The "I love you"s and "I'm sorry"s came so easily followed by the "It will never happen again"s. So eventually she learned to stop trusting.

It's not your fault. You have to know that. She knows that. But she had to learn to be strong. She wasn't given a choice. Maybe she has children that she had to keep going for. Or maybe it was only for her own survival. But she had to toughen up. The walls start to feel impenetrable. She gets into a routine. She says that she doesn't care. That she doesn't want a relationship. Then you come along and she starts to feel some semblance of hope again. She tells herself that it might be worth it to let her guard down. Maybe she can love someone again. Then it gets too real.

You didn't mean to do it. You weren't trying to push her away. You were only doing what you thought was right. And it probably was... for pretty much any other girl. But this girl is different. She still hurts. She's not okay. She makes it, but she's still not "whole". She is deathly afraid to allow someone else to fill a void in her life. She's been there. The pain is still too fresh. She still thinks about him. Still dreams about him from time to time. Their songs still play on the radio. She can't escape it. She WANTS to move on. She really does. But she's had to learn how to do this on her own. The waking up alone, getting ready for work, paying the bills, feeding the kids, getting them to school on time... life. She's gotten into a routine. She still craves that... something. But where will she fit it in? She thought she could. Dropped the baby off with a sitter. Let you take her out for a few hours. Laughed like she hadn't laughed in a long time.
She wasn't faking it. She really does like you. As cliche as it sounds- it's not you. It's her. 

You can't date a damaged woman the same way you would date another. Her life is her own and she can't handle any more complications. She wants to see you. She just can't see you every day. You can't talk about things like "forever" with her. She'll like it at first because it shows that you aren't afraid of commitment... but she's heard it all before. Eventually the words all run together and it becomes just another song and dance that she knows all too well. She's been promised forever before. And right now her "forever" is waking up next to another woman. She can't trust it. It's not that she can't trust you. But her trust has to be earned. She gave it away so freely before. "I'll trust him until he gives me a reason not to"... it's not like that anymore. She has to protect herself. So, no- she doesn't trust you. 

She doesn't want to hear pretty words. She's heard them all before. She needs actions. And not even grand gestures like gifts and flowers. Granted, those are nice and a little spoiling is sweet... but she needs bigger things. Like consistency. Just do what you say you'll do whether it's something large or small- be consistent. No empty promises. Goodnight texts are just as important as Good morning texts. We're suspicious- us damaged women. If you drop off around 9pm without saying goodnight, you're with someone else. You probably aren't. But history tells us otherwise. Give her space. Be there, but be gone. Does that make sense? No? Well get used to it because the damaged woman is much like a walking contradiction. Girl: I just want someone to hang out and watch netflix with me   Guy: I'll be over in 20 minutes.   Girl to best friend: Oh my gosh... he's seriously on his way. Stage 5 Clinger 

We know we make no sense. We accept that. Believe me, it's as frustrating for her as it is for you.

If you saw her on Friday night, do NOT try to see her on Saturday night. Probably not even Sunday. Maybe Wednesday would be good. Ask HER when works for her. Let her know you're interested without smothering her. You can't forget- she has her own life and routine and is determined to never NEED a man again. It took her too long to get to where she is and she's so afraid of backtracking. Again- it's not you. And you shouldn't be afraid of her. If anything, this should make you happy. She doesn't NEED you. If she chooses to spend time with you, it's because she WANTS to. Think about it. She doesn't need your money. She pays her own bills. Takes care of her own child. Maintains her own life. She wants to be an asset, not a liability. Any man would be lucky to have her. And maybe you could be that man, but you can't try too hard. When things start to seem "real", the damaged girl gets scared. Be patient. She thinks she wants forever, but she's still so
scared of it. 

Be patient with her. Don't rush. Be honest. Be consistent. Understand that it isn't personal. Her heart is still trying to heal and once it's mended, it will be stronger than ever. You just have to wait for it. And she's a girl worth waiting for.