The Ex Files

"I feel sorry for Big. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he just let me walk away..."-Carrie.

Wow. Carrie's poor friends. They're sitting at brunch. They're listening, still, to Carrie talk about how much better off she is without Big. What a mistake he made. Obsessing.

I wouldn't do anything like that.

Not me.

I lie. My poor friends. My poor, poor friends.

Now I don't want to make it seem as though I wake up every morning thinking of the Ex. I don't. I did. For a while. I mean... it hasn't been that long since the last time we were together. Seven weeks. That's it. You can't just "get over" the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with in seven weeks, can you? That was a big reason behind this blog. To get my feelings out and explore other aspects of my sexuality that weren't directly connected to him. And it wasn't even about sex, really. I'm really not the promiscuous type. I just want to feel. I want to be over him. There's a part of me that wanted to jump into a new relationship just because he was already with someone new. I had convinced myself I was ready before I had pulled out of his driveway that last day together. But I wasn't. What good would that do, huh? I mean, I had put extensive thought into it. If I were going to date someone- it had to be an upgrade, right? Not even a lateral move. The next guy had to be far more attractive, more successful, more funny, more intelligent... more better. Okay. So "more better" isn't exactly correct... but you get the point. Then I realized- I wasn't going to see anyone as "more better" as long as I was still in love with him. So- all I could do is wait.

Let me stop right there. He is NOT good for me. I know that. I don't want him back. It's the last thing that I need. We don't work. We tried for long enough. We. Don't. Work. My friends remind me of that any time I have a moment of weakness. But I loved him. And I worry about him. And I still feel like it's my "job" to make sure he's okay. It's not. And he's fine. I'm not saying this was all his fault. He did some pretty unspeakable things. But I allowed it. You teach people how to treat you. And when you allow certain behaviors to continue, of course they aren't going to stop. So it's just as much my fault. I won't go into too much detail about some of the things that he did, because I do (somewhat) respect his privacy.  But one thing I did recently discover is that he's still up to his same old tricks. Still calling up the same girls he used to call up when we were together. Any time he has a night "off" from my replacement, he doesn't actually want a night "off" from sex. Part of me was sad when I heard that. Not really sad for his girlfriend because I tried to warn her to an extent. But sad for him. How is he ever going to have a family of his own- a healthy relationship, children- if he doesn't just stop? He knows it's an addiction. "I like to have women I've never had." He used to quote that song all the time. And he wasn't lying. He did. And, truthfully, I accepted that about him. However, it wasn't (and apparently still isn't) just about women he's never had. Not when he's still going back to where he's been. So, yeah, it makes me sad for him. My heart breaks a little for him because I know that there's a part of him that wants that family life. He was good at it. But more than anything- when I found out what a part of me already knew- I felt like I had dodged a bullet.

I don't have to worry any more about where my boyfriend is when he stops texting late at night. I don't have to worry about who else he's texting when I'm not there. I don't have to hear the "I was drunk" or "but I didn't actually do anything" excuses anymore. I was drama. I was crazy. But I'm realizing (thank you, therapy!) that it wasn't me. It wasn't even him. It was that relationship. It was drama. I allowed myself to be cheated on. I allowed him back in too many times, even knowing that I didn't fully forgive him. And that definitely ended in many crazy fights. I don't have that anymore. The drama is gone from my life.

"You aren't over him." That's what he told me. I told him I couldn't lie to him and tell him that I was, but that I would be. He trusted that enough to give it a shot. And with that, I began to let the past go.

I've deleted the pictures from my phone. And I threw out his old sweatshirt. Memories be damned.