to those who've loved me through it.

My name is Kayla and I am codependent.

**this is where everyone says "Hi, Kayla!!"**

In all seriousness, codependency is a very real issue and something that I struggle with daily. It is defined as "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner".

It's something that I've dealt with for most of my life. Definitely all of my adult life. I call it my addiction to people. I find a person ("my person") and I fall so deeply and madly in love and have to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. It doesn't matter what position it puts me in or how it could possibly negatively impact my life. Some may say "oh. well that's just called being a people pleaser", but it's a completely different thing. I'm not a people pleaser by any stretch of the imagination. I'm a person pleaser. One person.

People who are codependent tend to find themselves drawn to narcissists.

A narcissist is defined as "a person who is overly self-involved and often vain and selfish".

Narcissists love codependent people. In some ways it seems like it's the perfect relationship. I told someone once "You and I have the same addiction. You.". So you would think it would work perfectly, right? Two people working toward one common goal--- one person's happiness.

But, Kayla, don't both people in a relationship need to be happy??

Of course. But, see- to a person such as myself- the other person's happiness is your happiness. Their sadness is your sadness. Your every mood depends entirely on theirs. You can be having the best day ever, and one phone call from that person can turn it completely around. Likewise, if the one you love is having a great day, you consider it a success. Someone once pointed out to me that when she would ask how my day was, I would reply "Well, _________ is in a really good mood, so it's been great. We've had a great day." because it was all about that person and not myself. His happiness meant it was a good day. What made it a great day? The fact that he was happy. What more did I need?

I don't know where it stems from, my need for approval. I have some ideas and, as with most people, it starts with childhood. But I won't get into all of that. I'm giving you this little psychology lesson just as a preface for this:

You either get it or you don't.

You fall into one of those two categories. Every single person reading this does. Either you're codependent yourself. You're a narcissit. Or you probably have a friend or loved one who is one or the other and you just can't understand it.

I can understand your inability to understand. (confusing, huh?)

I can't understand how a person can tell you how much they love you in one breath, then in another do everything in their power to tear you down. I can't wrap my head around someone intentionally hurting someone just so that they can maintain some sort of control in a relationship. I don't see how you can be in a long-term relationship with a person and not make their happiness take priority over your own. I can't understand loving someone and not wanting to be with them. I can't understand any of that. But that's me.

If you're on the other side, you can't understand me. You can't understand how a person can base their entire worth on someone else's opinion of them. You don't get how someone so valuable on so many levels can let their self-worth drop to nothing because one person doesn't deem them worthy. You can't grasp how an intelligent person can think for a minute that putting someone else (someone who never puts anyone's feelings ahead of their own) above his or her self is okay. You don't see how this addiction (because that's truly what it is) can be confused with love.

But it is love. It's love in it's own way and the worst thing you can probably do with a person in this situation is act as though it isn't. It's a love that you can't understand. So this is for those of you out there who are "normal". Those of you who don't "get it". The ones that love us and want to strangle us at the same time.

I see you. I see your frustration with me. I feel how much you love me and how badly you wish you could just take the hurt away. I feel you wanting to "shake me to wake me" from all of this.... hoping that one day I'll wake up and just snap out of it... hoping that one day I will see how unhealthy it all is. I see it. I really do. I know it's unhealthy. I know that continuing to cry over something that is over is pointless. But I can't help what's in my heart. I wish that I could. As frustrating as it is for you on the outside, I'm almost certain it's more frustrating for me to feel it on the inside. To wake up and feel all of this... and to have it still there at night when I go to bed. To still have this hope where there really should be no hope left.

And I could see how relieved you were when I told you I was moving on. How I wasn't going to keep doing this to myself. That was the logical side of me talking. I know I'm a smart girl. I know this, in part, because you've told me probably ten thousand times when listing all of my wonderful attributes that mean I deserve better. I could also see the disappointment in your eyes when you saw me giving in again. I know that you want to take it all away. Sometimes I wish you could. More than anything, I usually end up wishing we could all just go back to the time when we were all happy. Even if that meant my happiness depending on his. Because regardless of what it was making me happy, I was happy. And I had him. It's twisted, isn't it? Don't worry. I see that, as well. I see how messed up it is that I have everything in life that a girl could possibly need, yet I still find myself wishing we could all just go back .

I'm sorry for the times that I ignored your problems or brushed them aside because of the pain I was feeling myself. That's what I didn't see- the way I was hurting our friendship by, as usual, putting the unhealthy relationship first. People like me need people like you. We need the strong ones. That's what attracted us to the ones we fell for in the first place. They were strong. They were confident. We're very attracted to that, much in the same way that they're attracted to those that seem to be weak. But I'm not weak. You tell me that all the time, as well. But however strong I may be, you have me beat by a mile. You are logic where I am heart. That's not to say you have no heart. Your heart is as beautiful as any I've ever seen. Hell, it would have to be to put up with everything you have out of me. But my heart overrules my brain every time. That's what you can't understand. How someone as intelligent as I am can be so dumb... putting her emotion ahead of her mind. Maybe because of the way that my feelings never seemed to matter in the other relationships, I had to make sure they took top priority in ours. That's wrong. It's not okay and I'm sorry.

The one thing I ask is that, although you can't understand (nor would I ever want you to) please just know that what I feel is real. At least it is to me. It's as real as any love or fear or loss or anything else I've ever felt in my life. It doesn't matter how long we were together or how long we've been apart. It still is, and likely always will be, a part of me. A part of this mess of a girl that you love so much. And I know that you love me because you're still here.

Because of your love (and the love of so many others... and, admittedly, a great therapist) I'm able to be more rational. Make stronger, healthier decisions. But that doesn't mean that I'm "fixed". I never will be. I'm codependent. It's a part of me. I can, and will, work on my behaviors, but I can't change who I am. No more than the narcissist can change who they are.

If you love someone who is codependent or narcissistic or has any other mental or emotional struggle- know that we see you. We love you. And we truly appreciate you. We don't expect you to "get it". We just hope you stick around and love us through it.

Hell or High Water

"Hey, look! It's the girl from Valdosta with the Blow Job Blog!"... a friend was joking about how I will be known after that last post. Soooooo I feel like I need to clarify a couple of things. 1. I live in Lake Park. Not Valdosta. I'm not quite sure why that part is so important to me, but it is. Second, this isn't a "blow job blog". It isn't a "sex blog". It isn't even a blog centered around The Ex (although, at times that seems to be what it's been).

It's me. Just a blog about me and my life and my exploits or my lack thereof.

I told you from the start it wasn't glamorous. Hell, it's 4:30 on a Sunday afternoon and I'm in flannel pajama pants, wearing a mint julep mask, drinking a root beer flavored beer, listening to Randy Travis, and waiting for my ex husband to come over for dinner. Seriously. Does that SOUND glamorous?? Shouldn't I be drinking cosmos or something? Maybe at least wearing real clothes??

I also told you from the start that I wasn't over Him. Pretty sure I tell everyone that. In fact, I think my dental hygienist is even aware. So, I think it makes sense that behind every failed relationship (or attempt) is Him. Now this doesn't mean that he's come back into my life and prevented me from moving on. Not always, at least. He says that I only remember the bad. He says I'm incapable of focusing on any of the good. He's wrong. He's dead wrong. See- the good is what has stopped me from being able to do what I've known for so long that I should. I remember the good.

I remember the way he looked at me the moment that I realized that he was in love with me. Turns out, that's the moment that he realized it, as well. I remember the way he smiled with his eyes. I remember his laugh. Not his half-ass laugh, but the one where he truly thought something I said was funny. See- I remember all this. I remember how he loved my son. I remember how, when it came down to it, he did absolutely everything he could for both me and this little boy. So I definitely remember the good. It's what kept me holding on for as long as I did.

But I can't think about that. That stuff doesn't help me move on. It's better for me to think about the other. It makes more sense for me to remind myself of that "You lose" text or the weekend he hauled off to cheat on me all weekend or the many, many, many empty promises. I accepted the way he was. Because all I could think about was the good.

I won't act like I was perfect. I wasn't. Pretty much the only thing I did do right in that relationship was love him. I was faithful and I loved him. And that about sums it up. I wasn't some phenomenal girlfriend. I was a pain in the butt and obnoxious and asked for too much. I wanted things that I knew, going in, he just wouldn't give me. But I thought I could change that. Not change him per se, but change what he wanted. That was absurd. I really couldn't hold it together. I once flew completely off the handle when we had friends over. Dropping the f-bomb. I was pissed. I once broke his nose. (Granted, that was after his aforementioned weekend sexcapade debacle.) It wasn't healthy. I wasn't a good girlfriend. He wasn't a good boyfriend. So, I don't know why I thought we would be a good husband and wife for each other.

Actually. That's a lie. I know exactly why. It was us. Regardless of all the reasons we shouldn't have been together, when the lights went out and every one went home- it was just us. Just me and him and our music. Music was something that could bind us together like nothing else in this world. Even to this day, I consider music "our thing". Isn't that ridiculous? Everyone loves music. (and if you don't, you're wrong.) But we could use Jason Eady or Travis Tritt or Kris Kristofferson or Johnny Cash to speak for us when we couldn't find the words for ourselves. I could lay my head on his chest... on my spot... and fight over who got to play the next song... and laugh... and fall asleep in his arms. No matter what else had transpired that day or that weekend or even that month. Music was our thing.

But it wasn't enough. It was silly for me to ever think it could be. I know that. And I've moved on. I moved on months ago with a great man. Fell in love. Was happy. Was actually very happy. Then that ended. And I'm not yet ready to talk about the whys or hows because.... well. I don't really know exactly why. Maybe because I realized that I still needed to get this music out of my system before I tried to process how the next song ended. I don't know.

I do know this, though. It doesn't matter that I loved him. It doesn't matter that I believed he loved me. It doesn't matter that for all that time I thought he was "it" or what it was that made me realize that he couldn't be. All that matters is that he isn't. He isn't my person. He isn't "the one". And I don't really care if I've already met the man I'm "destined" (if I believed in such a thing) to spend the rest of my life with or if I won't meet him for 20 more years. That doesn't matter. What matters is that I know that he's not that man.

Love. I can't define it. But I know what you don't do when you love someone. And because of that, I can honestly say that he never loved me. I know that. I believe that he loved certain things about our relationship. And I believe that what I saw in his eyes that moment that he realized he was in love with me was real. He was in love with what he was looking at. And that girl was absolutely me. But it was just a part of me. He wasn't so in love with the rest. And I'm complex. I'm not easy to love. I know that. I'm easy for you to think you're falling in love with me. I have guys falling for me every day. And it's not because I'm the prettiest (I'm definitely not) or the smartest (although I am pretty intelligent) or anything else. It's because they like the realness of it all. They like that I tell 'em to fuck off when they get on my nerves, maybe. I don't know. Or maybe they all read the blog and think they're gonna get laid (if you're reading this and thinking that, I'm so sorry. Not hap'nin' cap'n). So it's easy for guys to think they're falling for me. It's a lot more difficult to find one that's really all in come hell or high water. I don't think anyone really knows what that means any more.

But I'm pretty sure that when I find that guy, he'll be THE guy.

You Lose

"Can I come over?" he asked me.

It was an early weekday morning. And while I am absolutely a morning person by definition, mornings are hectic for me. I have to get myself and the kid ready for work and school and get out the door at a decent time. Mornings just aren't a good time for company.

I told him No.

"Well will you come here? On your way to work?"

I told him I would if I had the time.... knowing good and well I would make the time.
I loved that man. {It doesn't matter who He is or when this was. It's the story that's important.}

I always made him a priority, no matter how illogical it was. But, again- I loved him. I rushed to get ready in enough time to be able to swing by to see him.

He loved me, too. I knew he did. He didn't show it in conventional ways, but I knew him in a different way than the others did. I knew his heart. He never actually wanted to hurt me. I just got too emotional and couldn't "hold it together"... (if I had a dollar for every time he told me that...) So, even though we weren't together, I knew that if I held out long enough he would see exactly what he had with me. He always came back. He loved me.

Right?

So I went. He was still in bed. I walked toward the bed. He pulled me toward him. Did I kiss him? I don't remember. We never really did kiss a whole lot. I guess that was probably pretty strange considering that I love kissing. But he was never much of a kisser, so we just didn't. So I don't remember if I kissed him or not. But I remember his hand on the back of my head as I slid under the covers... as I slowly and softly took him into my mouth... I could make love to him in my own way. And, I was good at it. It wasn't the act itself that I was good at. I knew that. It was that it was him. It was something about the way everything just seemed to fit. I had convinced myself that it was just another sign that we were meant to be together.

We had been "together" for long enough and enough times that I knew very well what to do to get him to "the point of no return" and could get him there very quickly. I considered it a gift. Once it was done, I stood up to tell him Goodbye and immediately felt awkward. I had to rush off to work so I wasn't too concerned with being sweet and emotional, but still needed something from him.

"Thanks," he said. I kind of let out a slight laugh.

"Later gator," I replied.

I climbed into my car and began to back out of the driveway. He had sent me a friend request on Facebook earlier that morning so I saw that as a huge step. Before I left his road, I clicked on his name on my phone. We had not been friends on Facebook in quite some time and I was interested to see what his life had looked like without me in it.

Nothing.

He had blocked me. Already. Just a couple of hours after adding me.

I closed out the app and went to my messages and before I had typed a thing, a message popped up under his name.

"You lose"

I lost. I gave in. Trusted that he was making some sort (no matter how small) of an effort.

But I lost.

Days went by and we didn't speak until he began drunkenly calling me that weekend.

I stupidly went back to see him. He loved me. He was only acting out of hurt before. He really did love me and I didn't expect anyone to understand.

So, again, I went back.

And, again, I can't remember if he kissed me.

And, again, I gave him what he wanted.

And, again... well. You get the picture by now. Only this time he didn't say "You Lose". This time he drunkenly told me that he wanted us. That he wanted it all. The next day I hardly heard from him at all.

I made efforts to text him... to have conversation... he was gone.

Again, I lost.

Now, I know that as you're reading this- most of you are thinking "What an idiot! What kind of low-self esteem person would continue to put herself through all of that? And in the name of what?? LOVE?? That's not LOVE. He doesn't LOVE her at all..."

And you're right. But, what's sad is--- there are a few girls reading this who know exactly where I was. And that's why I'm telling this story. Because I'm not the only person.

See- I'm not a weak girl. I have no problem walking away from a man when he's done me wrong. Most of the time. I'm not the girl to allow myself to be disrespected like that.

That's what I told myself. But when I started evaluating my relationships, I found that I don't let go when I should. But even still- I don't allow myself to be used. I can see it coming from a mile away. But I could never see it with him.

He loved me.

I heard the words. I heard my friends tell me that I could do better. I heard my best friend actually yell at me that I was an idiot for continuing to talk to him at all and at some point I was bringing it on myself. I heard all of it.

But he loved me.

And I lost.

But let me tell you something--- he didn't love me.
That's the most difficult reality I've ever had to face.
Whatever it was that he was doing or feeling- it wasn't love.

He was inflicting pain intentionally. He knew every time that he called or text or asked me over what he was about to do to me. And he didn't care. At least not enough to not do it. So I gave in every time.

And still- I lost.

I lost my best buddy.
I lost the man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
I lost my musical soul mate.
I lost my lover.
I lost the man who never really cared to listen to how my day was.
I lost someone who wouldn't bring me medicine when I was sick.
I lost a man who once actually said "I don't give a fuck about that" when I was telling him about something that was important to me.
I lost being cussed at and told what a whore I was when things didn't go his way.
I lost having to always be the one to give and seldom get anything in return.
I lost hearing that I'm incapable of "holding it together" when I get upset over something that I legitimately had a right to get upset over.
I lost sleepless nights wondering what I could possibly do to fix it all.

I may have lost our Sunday night sunsets, but I also lost a lifetime of empty promises.

He lost a girl who genuinely loved him with her entire heart. It takes so, so, so much for me to be done. But once I am- there's no going back. Once I finally made up my mind, it was actually kind of a relief to be able to say

No, Sir. You Lose.

Pearl earrings, Fences, and the Lies We Tell Ourselves

There are two kinds of girls in this world. Well- there are many kinds of girls in this world. But only two kinds we're going to talk about today.

Girls with pearl earrings... and girls without pearl earrings.

Let me explain. I haven't ventured very far north at all- at least not for more than a weekend- so I'm certain that the culture varies to some degree depending on what part of the country you're in. But I'm in the south. And in the south, pearls are a thing. Not just a "get dressed up on the weekends" thing, either. Girls down here wear pearls with anything. Gym shorts, t-shirt, flip flops.... and pearl earrings.

I'm not one of those girls.

Those girls have great hair. It's always shiny like the girls in the Pantene commercials. They have monogrammed vests that they wear with their flannel shirts. Their skirts go to their knees. Their shoes are close-toed. Their make up is flawless. They drink mimosas at brunch because it's trendy and not because they wanted an excuse to get drunk before lunch. They go to these little places where a steak is gonna cost you $50 rather than Texas Roadhouse just because they would rather be seen there. Their houses most likely look like pages ripped from a Pier1 catalog, and they have at least two framed photos with their sorority sisters, no matter how long they've been out of college. Their friends also have pearl earrings. They won't associate with anyone who doesn't have the exact same lifestyle that they do and they are the most judgmental bitches you will ever meet.

But KAYLA, you say to me, that sounds like YOU are being judgmental... that's because I am. I'm judging the shit out of them right now. But I own it. These pearl earring girls- they're judge-y and they exclude people and hate people that they don't even know. I'm not saying that they're horrible people. They just aren't my kind of people.

Well. That's not entirely true. I have pearl earring friends. But the majority of these PEGs would never have lunch with me. Or brunch. Or even invite me to a baby shower. Why? Because I'm not like them. I don't own a pair of pearl earrings. My apartment is usually at least somewhat of a mess because I have a five year old little boy running around. My décor is mostly hand made. I prefer whiskey to champagne. I prefer Kristofferson to Buble. I would rather have a chili cheese dog from the Lake Dogs than  some fancy steak from a place where I don't understand half of the ingredients in the dishes. And if I do want a steak, I'll go to the Rascals up the road. I don't have sorority sisters, but I do have my gang. My little hoodrats that are just as socially inacceptable as I am. These girls are real. The friends that I have love me. I mean like really love me. And what I love most about them is that they're just damn good people. They could have a legitimate enemy, but if that person were to actually need something- my friends would be there. That's my kind of person.

I appreciate a genuine person. But sometimes we all get caught up in the idea of what our lives are supposed to look like, don't we? We think that we're supposed to be married and have 2 kids and have a certain college degree and this particular career and a perfect house with this white picket fence and either be the girl with the pearl earrings or marry the girl with the pearl earrings.

I think about these girls and, I wont lie, I'm a little jealous. They look like they always smell good, don't they? They just look fresh all the time. It makes me wonder what their routine is like... in the morning... at night before they go to bed. I feel like I need to follow them around and take notes. But then I think about their sex lives and I imagine that they are completely boring. I could be totally wrong, but I also imagine the PEGs to be the "it's not your birthday" kind of girls, as well.

I'm not saying that these girls won't find true love. They have as good a shot as the rest of us. Hell, probably more of a shot. But they'll probably end up married to Bow-tie Guy and they'll have their little baby boys in bubble suits with smocking on the front. With a bonnet. On a boy.

I couldn't be happy with that life. I don't want Bow-tie Guy. He wouldn't like my kind of music. He wouldn't have a clue why it's imperative that I see Robert Earl Keen in Corpus Christi... he likely wouldn't even know who REK is. And he couldn't handle a girl like me.

See, I'm the kind of girl who doesn't know how to be anything other than myself. I can't pretend to be anything other than me. I can't pretend like I'm not loud and passionate and crazy. Because I am all of those things. And I can't imagine that I want to live anywhere other than Lake Park unless I moved to St Augustine to be closer to my best friend. I look in the mirror and ask if I'M happy with what I see in the mirror. I can't ask myself if every one else would be happy with it because I can't care. I'm from the south. I have a little PEG in me. I want everything monogrammed. And I have a dress or two that I think would look great with pearls.

But I don't need them.

And I don't need the white picket fence.

And I don't want bow tie guy.

And I don't want to be worried about what anyone else thinks my life should look like.

I don't want to live a lie because it's what looks better.

I just want to be happy. Whether that means that I'm single forever, or if I get married next week (I am not getting married next week)--- I just want to be happy.

Whew. I'm back.

So I've spent far too many days trying to figure out the direction I want this blog to go in. It's called No Sex and the South, and believe me... I'm still not having sex. I have a five year old and the man that I love has a four year old. There is very little sex being had in our relationship... but please be patient as I navigate the growing pains as I decide exactly what to do with the blog.

I know that this whole "relationship" thing has really put a damper on the blog. I haven't been writing, but honestly it has nothing to do with not having material or even with not having the time or energy or desire. It's had everything to do with wanting to make sure I get this right. I had to have a vision. A goal.

Truth be told, I didn't realize how many people cared about my relationship status until I started actually dating someone. "Do NOT fall in love, Kayla. You can't do that. What about the blog??" I can't even begin to tell you how many times I heard that. And, quite frankly, I didn't want to fall in love. I was happy for the first time in so long. I had my own apartment. My own life. Didn't have to answer to anyone. I had this blog and my readers were loving reading about Mr. White. They wanted to see if he was going to try to work his way back in. They wanted to know exactly what those pictures of Clooney entailed. Relationships are boring. Clooney sex surely would not be. And I was right there with you guys. Trust me. I didn't want a relationship. I mean, sure. A part of me wanted to be loved and be all mushy and have someone to rub my back and all of that great relationship stuff. But I didn't trust guys. Not a single one of them. I mean, come on--- Mr. White was married. Have we forgotten that?? And with every picture Clooney sent, I wondered how many other girls had gotten the same picture. The Ex had ruined me. And it wasn't even just THE Ex. It was the majority of the Exes. And it was other guys that I've known who have been unfaithful to girlfriends and wives. It was the ones screwing their secretaries. It was the ones in the bar overheard saying "a blow job isn't actually cheating". It was pretty much every man I had ever encountered. It was guys that I had been with myself. It was a guy who was married to one of my former friends. It was, again, every man I knew for the most part. So, no. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust any man and it wasn't worth the risk.

Until it was.

So I did it. Admittedly, I'd had a few drinks and my best friend had coerced me into sending a "relationship request" on facebook. Okay. So maybe it was more of a "Do you dare me?" thing. But regardless. She dared me. The people at the table next to us in the restaurant dared me. Well, with the exception of this one guy who was all "No. Don't do that. Maybe discuss it first. Then let him do it."

That guy was dumb. We did not listen to that guy.

I had my best friend checking my hopefully-soon-to-be-boyfriend"s facebook page regularly to see if he had accepted yet & if it was showing up on his page. Before we left the parking lot we were "facebook official". BAM.

Thirty minutes later, the bestie and I were at a local watering hole. Watering hole. Do people still even call it that? I mean, it's a bar. Not so much a hole in the wall, but definitely not a club. The finest South Lowndes County has to offer. (Seriously, though. If you find yourself in South Lowndes County- even if you're just passing through- stop by Rascal's. You won't regret it. The food is phenomenal. The staff is great. You won't find better ownership. And the after-hours environment is just low-key enough to make you feel like you fit in no matter where you're from.) I digress. We were at the bar. Apparently, the news had spread like wild fire. Well. That's not entirely true. Lake Park isn't that big. Pretty much the entire town is my friend on Facebook. No. I actually have a friend on Facebook that says "Lake Park, GA". The amount of people who already knew about my new relationship was astounding. "Don't do this. You can't do this. What will happen to the blog?"

I was kind of with them.

What would happen to the blog? Would I just make up stuff? Would I continue talking about life as it was? Would I just talk about the past and what lead me to this point?

I knew I couldn't just let it go. This blog is crucial to my sanity. Granted, the drinking that I do to be able to relax enough to write it is probably hell on my liver. I've put away more than half a bottle of Bacardi Black tonight (I'm SORRY, Keil!!!!). And it's the big bottle. I stole it from my best friend (I SAID I'M SORRY!!!) It's no Sailor Jerry, but it will do in a pinch.

So- I've decided. I'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind. It's what I'm best at. For what it's worth, No- I do not think I'm Carrie Bradshaw (told you I went through your phone, boyfriend of mine). I just think that I'm relatable. Carrie was in her own way. But in the same way that Carrie relates to NY socialites, I relate to the small town girl.. which is also the same way we women all relate to each other. I can hate your ex girlfriend or your current girlfriend or your baby mama or your actual mama or your best girl "friend" and still totally relate to her. Because I'm a girl. We all do it. But the blog will continue. Now that I've decided what to do with it- it will continue. You'll probably hear a little more about my past than you ever cared to know. You'll know exactly what's going on at the current time (I'm presently planning on letting this man of mine wife the shit out of me), as well as all of the drama I hear about from people who probably are only telling me so that they can "get on the blog"... or maybe they're praying their secrets never make the blog. In that case, consider this my disclaimer: If you don't want it on the blog, don't tell me. Or make sure you tell me you don't want it on the blog.

Regardless- I promise I'm getting back to it. And with all the information I've been given this past week, as well as everything going on in my own love life- I assure you I have plenty to write.

Thanks for staying loyal. I won't let you down.

It's my blog and I can write if I want to...

"Why is she still writing about me?" Mr. White asked our mutual friend.
She had gotten behind on the blog, so she was unsure what he was referring to. Now, as my loyal followers know, I have gotten behind on the blog, myself. The only thing I had written about him was that I hadn't heard any more out of him since he left for Spain. And, of course, now I'm writing about the cowardice when a man asks another female rather than go to the woman in question. However, I don't care. I actually find it rather humorous.

The thought crossed my mind to continue writing about him as though he was still a player in my little game. I decided against that. As enticing as it was to pursue something with this enigma of a man, I couldn't be the other woman. Not after being cheated on for the better part of the past 18 months. If you feel the need to be with other women- leave the one you're with.

My mind would still go back to being pinned against his SUV in that parking lot... my keys gripped tightly in my hand with the lower half of his body pressed close against my own... my hair pulled back tight in his fist... his tongue tracing the outline of my lips...

I couldn't... I wouldn't.

And I had been distracted anyway. Clooney had taken over my mind and was ready to do the same to my body. He came home and was ready to "watch Netflix and chill"... I was ready.

I had not actually slept with anyone since the Ex's friend, so I felt I needed that release of "tension", so to speak. My friends/readers were ready, as well. But by this time, there was someone...

And it happened.

Shit.

The one thing my readers begged of me to not let happen.

DO NOT GET FEELINGS FOR ANYONE, they would plead with me.

"What will happen to the blog?" they asked.

The blog will stay. Don't worry about that.

I'm crazy about this man in my life, but this blog is still my life online.

And if the past week is any indication of the future of this blog... it's only going to get better.

The Ex Files

"I feel sorry for Big. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he just let me walk away..."-Carrie.

Wow. Carrie's poor friends. They're sitting at brunch. They're listening, still, to Carrie talk about how much better off she is without Big. What a mistake he made. Obsessing.

I wouldn't do anything like that.

Not me.

I lie. My poor friends. My poor, poor friends.

Now I don't want to make it seem as though I wake up every morning thinking of the Ex. I don't. I did. For a while. I mean... it hasn't been that long since the last time we were together. Seven weeks. That's it. You can't just "get over" the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with in seven weeks, can you? That was a big reason behind this blog. To get my feelings out and explore other aspects of my sexuality that weren't directly connected to him. And it wasn't even about sex, really. I'm really not the promiscuous type. I just want to feel. I want to be over him. There's a part of me that wanted to jump into a new relationship just because he was already with someone new. I had convinced myself I was ready before I had pulled out of his driveway that last day together. But I wasn't. What good would that do, huh? I mean, I had put extensive thought into it. If I were going to date someone- it had to be an upgrade, right? Not even a lateral move. The next guy had to be far more attractive, more successful, more funny, more intelligent... more better. Okay. So "more better" isn't exactly correct... but you get the point. Then I realized- I wasn't going to see anyone as "more better" as long as I was still in love with him. So- all I could do is wait.

Let me stop right there. He is NOT good for me. I know that. I don't want him back. It's the last thing that I need. We don't work. We tried for long enough. We. Don't. Work. My friends remind me of that any time I have a moment of weakness. But I loved him. And I worry about him. And I still feel like it's my "job" to make sure he's okay. It's not. And he's fine. I'm not saying this was all his fault. He did some pretty unspeakable things. But I allowed it. You teach people how to treat you. And when you allow certain behaviors to continue, of course they aren't going to stop. So it's just as much my fault. I won't go into too much detail about some of the things that he did, because I do (somewhat) respect his privacy.  But one thing I did recently discover is that he's still up to his same old tricks. Still calling up the same girls he used to call up when we were together. Any time he has a night "off" from my replacement, he doesn't actually want a night "off" from sex. Part of me was sad when I heard that. Not really sad for his girlfriend because I tried to warn her to an extent. But sad for him. How is he ever going to have a family of his own- a healthy relationship, children- if he doesn't just stop? He knows it's an addiction. "I like to have women I've never had." He used to quote that song all the time. And he wasn't lying. He did. And, truthfully, I accepted that about him. However, it wasn't (and apparently still isn't) just about women he's never had. Not when he's still going back to where he's been. So, yeah, it makes me sad for him. My heart breaks a little for him because I know that there's a part of him that wants that family life. He was good at it. But more than anything- when I found out what a part of me already knew- I felt like I had dodged a bullet.

I don't have to worry any more about where my boyfriend is when he stops texting late at night. I don't have to worry about who else he's texting when I'm not there. I don't have to hear the "I was drunk" or "but I didn't actually do anything" excuses anymore. I was drama. I was crazy. But I'm realizing (thank you, therapy!) that it wasn't me. It wasn't even him. It was that relationship. It was drama. I allowed myself to be cheated on. I allowed him back in too many times, even knowing that I didn't fully forgive him. And that definitely ended in many crazy fights. I don't have that anymore. The drama is gone from my life.

"You aren't over him." That's what he told me. I told him I couldn't lie to him and tell him that I was, but that I would be. He trusted that enough to give it a shot. And with that, I began to let the past go.

I've deleted the pictures from my phone. And I threw out his old sweatshirt. Memories be damned.